Dear Readers,

Before we begin this edition of my world-renowned advice column, I’d like to publicly shame most of you. harryrosenberg.net is a very, very serious website, and I expect all of you to treat it with the respect it deserves. If not, you should prepare to face extreme consequences. I will only be answering three of the 21 submissions I received since writing the last edition. My reasoning will be clear once you read on.

Dear Harry,

Harry my dear; my dearest, Harry. Not at all here for advice, merely here to tell you how cool of a cat you are! I guess, I could ask your opinion on if amphibians and reptiles. Which do you like better? Why? If said amphibian/reptile were to sit on your shoulders giving you advice (as an angel and devil might do), which would be the devil? Which is the angel? Been wondering this for awhile man. Godspeed! – N

Dear N,

You raise several excellent points in your query. The argument over amphibians and reptiles is one that has been brewing for decades. In my humble expert opinion, the clear winners are amphibians. Swimming through muddy ponds, breathing through their specially-designed gills, elating in the freedom of their scaleless skin – there is no real debate that can be had over the merits of their superiority. Now, in terms of angel-devil dynamics, God’s representative on my shoulder is the American Bullfrog. No explanation needed. Satan, on the other hand, has fittingly manifested himself in a more dastardly way. The Spring Peeper. I’ve made it through just about 21 years of life without loudly announcing to the world every March that Spring has arrived. That is a quality not found in these stupid fuckers. I get it! It’s spring! Shut the fuck up!

well tbh I’ve been struggling this semester and the last with my mental health pretty bad, I’ve basically lost all motivation to do any school work. I just sat at my computer for like two hours and all I can think about is how stressed I am and how depressed I am about college and I don’t know how I’m going to finish this semester. I can’t drop out but I also can barely get any work done I don’t know what to do, most days I feel this way and it’s just been kinda getting worse, I just go to class and come home and then that’s how I feel – k

Dear k,

Believe me, I’ve been in your shoes. The work seems to just keep piling on, despite your best efforts to get on top of it. There are several things that help me when I find myself in situations like this. First, I would recommend biting the bullet and finding out exactly how much work you have. It’s scary and awful and logging on to Blackboard and seeing nothing but red is viscerally painful but it is the only way in which you can get an idea of your situation. Oftentimes the unknown is far more frightening than what you actually need to do! Next, I find that creating a checklist is helpful in actualizing your workload. You’re already behind, so doing just a few simple assignments a day can only put you in a better place than you are now. In terms of depression and stress, I wish I could help you more. These are issues I’ve struggled with in school for many years. Try doing something that comes easy to you. For me, that’s going for a walk and listening to music, drawing some lines on paper, or playing Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii. Cut yourself some slack! You’re only human!

my dorm room window is wide open what if a bird flies in here and it doesn’t know what to do because it’s never been in my room before. and i don’t know what to do because i have never had a bird in my room before. thanks please help – J.K.

Dear J.K.,

Big net

Now Harry, what about the 18 other submissions? Feel free to write your own responses to these at home:

can you tell Bernie I love him – bernies lover

Yes ma’am yes I can get some stuff for my moms lol I got a few of them and I get it too but I’m going on the way to get some lol I got a bit too so I can do that lol I got a few more free stuff I bet you can play it lol I love it too lol I bet it feels good lol I bet it feels like a little bit better but I got some stuff lol I bet you got some stuff like this one too but maybe I got a little busy doing some games – J.S. & N.S.

i’m sad help me harry rosenberg help help – mushie wishie

I can’t figure out who I am help – Harry Rosenberg

what does Bernie do when he with you does he be a little rat or is he a ray of sunshine – bernie freind

Bernie did something wrong at school he started beating me in Pokemon. I feel like he’s the very best, like no one ever was. but please teach him a lesson, about how to treat girls right. You are our last hope, please help harry. – Bernies bestest friend

i can see bernie right now in social studies! just thought you should know! – Bernards friend

Dear, Harry your as cheerful as a cherry, Im glad you were not named larry, or even worse jerry, bernie loves you you so, and he couldn’t ask for a better bro, He still has to ask tho, Who is your fav bro? – bernies friends

How does one ponder puberty? Pubic hair is so complex and scary. Do you have boners? Because I had my first one and it made me feel like a unicorn in the desert!!! How do you settle the old lad down? – Harry

Hey this sight is so cool – Funny

our brothers are besties guess who – M.S.

can you tell Bernie that he has a secret admirer, his long curly luscious, radiating hair is beautiful. I just feel like hes my soulmate. can you help me get Bernie and me together. P.S. you can be my wing man. – bernies lover

im chilling like a villan in class and bernie doesnt get the chair im so upset, i know he is hurt on the inside pls help bernie i know he is upset too. – purple hair gurl

I like leo better tbh. =) – bernie bud

i have testicular cancer so i cut it out with putty knife???!? – C.H.G.

Soooo like basically i have a big c-c-c-crush on bernie! what would i ever do! – burny fan

Sup bro – Bernie

Can you be my daddy? – Datyungblood

I hope you’re all happy.